And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
