I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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