i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
