No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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