I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
