I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
