the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
