How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
