But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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