I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
