I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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