Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize