I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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