it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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