the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
