So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize