right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize