I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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