woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
