two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
