Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
organizing the empties. That sober.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize