Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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