You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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