Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
