i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
