Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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