not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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