would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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