Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This is my gift to your gina
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
