If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
