Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
