First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Let's paint friendship bongs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
