i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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