ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
