found the other keg... it's in the tree
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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