Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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