After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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