He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
