and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
