Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
