I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
