Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
