dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
