I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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