I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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