Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Text me some of your sweat
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize