The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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