Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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