Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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