Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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