mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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