It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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