Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
