You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
