At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
