omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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