By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
