just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
